shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
