When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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