How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Sober January is a disaster.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
