May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
