he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
