If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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