Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I just threw up on my dentist
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
