the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
