you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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