I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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