My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
