I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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