he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
