Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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