I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
