My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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