I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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