had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize