So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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