I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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