Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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