I looked at my own cervix.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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