Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
