Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize