as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
