I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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