A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
