i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
