Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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