One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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