hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
All I want is dick and wine.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
