Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
