I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize