I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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