Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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