Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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