If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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