Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
