I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
