Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
