Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
