he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize