i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
