oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
