I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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