How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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