Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
