It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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