Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
