I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
