Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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