I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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