I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
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