Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
