The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
