I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Randomize
