Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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