I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
