I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize