sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
