2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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