I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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