i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I checked into jail on foursquare
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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