well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
i think i just lost a toe
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Randomize