chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Is Oprah even human
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
