Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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