Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
