After last night, I could never be a politician.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
