She's JV to your varsity
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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