I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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