apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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