my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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