Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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