Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
